My Story By Teach4him
For the past 15 years I have been a slave to internet pornography—pictures and videos. Before that time, I was not a more righteous person, I just didn’t want to be caught in public with pornographic materials or be seen publicly in places which were quite seedy back then. In other words, when the internet came about and I could have total privacy and I didn’t think anyone could possibly know what I was doing—the seeds of my secret desires began to grow.
During the time that I was doing all of this—I never felt right with God. How could I? I knew I wasn’t doing the right thing; and, I really didn’t want too do what I was doing; but,it seemed that I couldn’t stop myself. I would stay up late at night only to be shocked that it would be 2 in the morning. I became constantly sleep deprived.
Because of my sinful behavior, I was constantly thinking about sex. It never left my mind. After a while, it got to the point that I had explicit sexual thoughts about every woman I saw during the day. It became second nature to me. This is the sinful nature that the Apostle Paul writes about that must be sacrificed to God.
There were two sides to me. One side prayed for help. I would pray for help and promise God that I would quit my sinful behavior. This never worked. I have a lot of broken promises between myself and God—though He has always been faithful. I knew I was a hypocrite. I was a Bible teacher and worked for a Christian school but inside, I was as empty as they come. I was the whitewashed tomb that Jesus spoke about that was pretty and white on the outside but filled with dead men’s bones. Or the cup that was clean on the outside and filthy on the inside.
The people around me thought I was a great Christian. I told myself that I could be a Christian and follow Christ with this behavior in my life. I mistakenly felt that my behavior wasn’t keeping me from Christ—after all, I went to church every Sunday and taught about half of the year. I was a bible class teacher who preached occasionally. I hid my behaviors from everybody that knew me and I constantly covered my tracks—lest I become discovered.
I developed a deceitful lifestyle of hiding and lying. A few times when my wife wanted to have sex with me and I couldn’t—I told her I was exhausted and too tired. I was also hiding things around the house like videos and disks so that I could view them later. I lied about doing my work when I was viewing porn and I lied about why I was tired and worn out. I became a person who was hypocritical, lying, angry, resentful, full of rage who was spiritually bankrupt and one who had compromised the values of my childhood and faith. Because I was angry, lying, concealing, secretive, blaming, judging and a resentful human being I made a miserable person to be with.
When my wife separated from me, I begin to seek help for the things in my life that weren’t working. I knew I needed help for my sinful behavior of pornography and self-gratification.
Among those things that I found was Men of Freedom in Oklahoma City, the Setting Captives Free Online Course, daily accountability with men who have been through this same struggle, and a lot of new principles that the men of the Purity Project were willing to share. With their help, I have learned that God is the only one who can free me and forgive me from the guilt and shame of my sexual sins. The principles of radical amputation, scorched earth, accountability, feasting on Gods word, confession, and many other lessons, have been instrumental in keeping me free from pornography and self-gratification for more than a year.
This freedom is something that only God could could give me. The men of the Purity Project have shown me, in easy to understand and practical ways, how to connect with God so this work could happen in my life. I praise God for his love for me and the Purity Project for its wonderful help and Godly teachings.
My life is beginning to get back on track and I now know the importance of doing everything that other successful Christians have done to remain delivered from this hideous sin. I hope you will contact us for the help you need. If you are willing to ask for help, God will rescue you from your sin, drew you to him, give you the gift of repentance, help you to find people who will hold you lovingly accountability.
teach4him is a 50 something year old teacher and a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who lives in the Oklahoma City area. He can be reached at purityproject@cox.net.
