My Story By Xpastor50s
I was raised in a very violent home with a father who was an extreme rageaholic and a mother who was an expert at guilt motivation. I lived in absolute terror of my father. There was no nurturing and no opportunity to work through the weekly horrors of my home. It was understood that what was going on in our family was not to be shared with anyone outside the home. As a small boy, I had no coping mechanism for what I was experiencing. It was too much for my tender emotions. So I just shut down emotionally and had very low self-esteem. From what I can gather, my dad cheated on my mom on several occasions while traveling for his work. I was caught up in what I believe to be generational sin but instead of allowing God to break the curse, I took it to the next level with a vengeance.
In order to deal with dad’s regular anger binges, beating mom, and physically and emotionally abusing me, and in order to try and feel good about myself, I began to fantasize sexually in the seventh grade. I had discovered a secret place where I was loved and wanted. This gave birth to what seemed to be the wonderful experience of masturbation. It turned out to be one of the most destructive habits in my life. In high school I began trying to take advantage (sexually) of the girls I dated. Then in college I dated a woman who allowed me to do this for about a year–never having sex but lots of inappropriate touching. In graduate school my sexual addiction progressed to an occasional visit to a strip club while continuing to fantasize and masturbate. For some reason, my memory is vague during the mid 80’s concerning my struggles in this area. I know I was fantasizing and acting out a lot but don’t remember much else.
My fantasizing and self-sex over the years finally became reality in my behavior. I ended up committing adultery with a prostitute. No words can describe the damage that did to my soul. I believed I had done something that separated me from God forever. But even that didn’t stop me. My sexual addiction progressed through the use of pornography–an occasional magazine purchase as well as occasional visits to a massage parlor. I began renting porn videos and continued to engage in masturbation with a few trips to strip clubs. From 1998 to the recent past my fantasizing and self-sex increased greatly in frequency to the point of realizing I was in bondage but never having the will power to stop even though I cried out to God on a regular basis. I began to frequent massage parlors and strip clubs several times a year and also began seeking porn on the Internet. The Internet porn has gone in cycles with long periods of not viewing it followed by short periods of frequent use. I had also hired prostitutes on a few occasions for a massage. The fantasizing and masturbation progressed until I was acting out almost every night and every morning. The final phase of my bondage led to perversion where I began fantasizing about being with a man. This resulted in great shame and guilt but not true repentance.
The consequences I have suffered over the years because of my bad choices have been significant. I contracted an STD (sexually transmitted disease) and cannot describe the stress that came with trying to keep that a secret. At that point I suffered the agony of seeing what all this had done to my wife as I confessed to her what I had done. The guilt, shame, and misery that accompanies adultery is painful beyond words. I had broken the most sacred vow in human relationships. I have also lived with the guilt and fear that comes with living a dual life. Wearing a mask and knowing you are living a lie is a heavy burden to carry. My career was negatively affected by my sin as well as every relationship I’ve ever had. I’m not sure when I hit bottom. I just know that after attending my first few recovery sessions, I came face to face with what I already knew but had not fully faced or confessed–that I was on a fast track to destruction but was absolutely powerless to do anything about it.
The good news, however, is that by God’s grace and with the support of a recovery group and Mentor, I am now experiencing victory over this horrible habitual sin. It has been a tough battle but I wouldn’t trade my life now for anything. If God can reach down and pull me out of this deep, dark pit, He can do it for you too. Why not cry out to Him now?
xPastor50s is a member of the Purity Project where he helps mentor those who are caught in sexual compulsions–even as he once was. He is here to help you and will be happy to visit with you about your struggle. You may reach him by e-mailing purityproject@cox.net and asking for xPastor50s.
