My Story, By Bondservant
I grew up in Guthrie, Oklahoma. I remember having good times growing up; but, the bad seemed to far out weigh them. I had the Absent Father Wound. Because my father was a workaholic, he never came to church with us, and very rarely came on family vacations, or any of my sports outings. For many years of my life, this led me to search for my significance in work. Thus, work became my priority too.
From an early age, my father taught me about hard work, sternness and toughness. He also taught me perfectionism; and, that was what he expected from me in all things. When I couldn’t perform to that expectation, he would yell and cuss at me until I was fearful and in tears. This has caused me to feel like a failure in almost every area of my life. I never seemed to be quite good enough. This has also kept me from venturing out into the unknown for fear of failing and it has caused me to be critical or judgmental of those around me, including myself.
I was also taught not to show emotion, because to my father, that was a sign of weakness. When I showed emotion, Dad would tell me to “Suck it up”, “Stop your crying”, “and be a man.” I remember one time, when we were at my dad’s family’s cookout, they had an old push mower that didn’t run. As part of Dad’s abusive sense of humor, always at my expense, he told me to help him get it started. He had me place my finger in the cavity where the spark plug goes as he proceeded to pull start the mower. I remember that this sent an excruciatingly painful shock up my whole arm causing it to go numb. When I began to cry he and my uncles just laughed at me and told me to “Toughen up and stop crying.” Things like this taught me at an early age to stuff my emotions, repress my anger, avoid conflict, isolate, and withdrawal from anything that might appear to be a sign of weakness. I was a guy who walked around looking like he had it all together on the outside, and would only display positive attitudes and strengths in my life. But on the inside, I was like a piece of glass waiting to be shattered.
My mom, on the other hand, was the complete opposite of my dad. She never stood up for me or said a word about what he did. She had a passive approach to everything in life, except for the Church, and she made sure that we were there every Sunday. I enjoyed going to church because it was filled with good people who were nice. They talked about God and his Son Jesus Christ. They talked about hope and a better and brighter future to be found in Jesus. That was what I wanted and what I needed. So, at the age of 13, I received Christ as my personal Lord and Savior. I had received salvation (fire insurance), but didn’t know how to have a close personal relationship with God at this time (which is what I call today life transformation).
Eventually church and God would become uncertain to me because my inside didn’t match up to what you saw on the outside. I didn’t seem to have it altogether, like everyone else around me. I never heard about life’s troubles and difficulties. Everyone else seemed perfect. Could this be true? If so what about me! I started to view God much like I did my father. This God was very harsh, critical, and judgmental. I believed that I had to be perfect in order to receive His love. I tried to be perfect, but I found that I couldn’t live up to what they were teaching me about God in my church. All of the “don’t do this” or “don’t do that” became too much for me.
The pressure that came with this was overwhelming and drove me on a path away from God. This was a difficult time in my life because I had no sound direction, and felt no acceptance in much of anything. So, now that God had let me down, (or so I thought) I began to look for significance in other ways. Sports became an important part of my life.
I was good at sports and excelled in them because of my athletic ability. People began to notice. I found that I was able to accomplish and achieve above my coaches expectations–and boy did that feel good! For the first time in my life I felt the approval, love and acceptance that I had been craving. Even my father seemed to be proud of me! This gave me a new purpose and significance and I pushed myself to work harder and better. But this was to be short lived, for I came down with a sickness that would ruin my sports year.
Mononucleosis kept me out of school for almost 3 weeks straight and out of sports for more than 6 weeks. This was a huge set back. It was virtually impossible for me to come back and catch up after all of that time of being out sick. My productivity wasn’t the same, though I struggled to perform as I had before. Once again I felt like a failure. What I had worked so hard to gain, and depended upon, was crumbling.
This was devastating to me and my sense of self-worth seemed to plummet. I didn’t know where to turn or what to do, and I sure wasn’t going to talk to anybody about how I felt inside. But I also couldn’t live with what I was feeling on the inside. I needed it to go away and to feel better about myself. So I turned to peer-pressure and alcohol.
The bible talks about bad company corrupting good character and that accurately defines the next several years of my life. Alcohol became important to me. I had drunk before; but, it wasn’t very appealing to me. It actually made me sick and plus it didn’t go along with my sports dream. But this time, drinking was much different than I had remembered. I didn’t get sick. In fact, I actually liked the way it made me feel. I liked the way that it numbed the hurt inside of me. Alcohol began serving a purpose and cause in my life and drinking became a part of my routine.
Since sports was less important to me now, my party life began to define who I was. I made sure that I was good at it. Even though the effects and consequences of drinking were bad, it helped me escape reality and no one was going to take that away from me–no matter how bad it got. I began to live a rebellious life on the edge where I no longer really cared about morals or the consequences that came from living outside of them. I become selfish and didn’t care about people unless there was something in it for me. You see, I had been hurt by everybody that I cared about or was important to me. So, when they tried to tell me what I should or should not do, I would ignore them or do the opposite.
I was adamant about letting no one or anything be in control of me. But I was still lacking significance and I began searching for it by trying to connect with someone. I felt that if I did this, I wouldn’t feel so alone. This led me into my first serious relationship. I thought with her I could fill the void in my life and that she could help me find the significance I had been missing all along.
I spent the next 3 to 4 years of my life searching for who I was. I tried drugs, began stealing for the rush, and had sex for the first time. Having sex ignited lust and fantasy for me. It was liking pouring gasoline on a well contained fire and watching it explode. I remember seeing pornographic magazines and videos at an early age. I even remember watching HBO, CINEMAX, and SHOWTIME, and being so enthralled by the images I would see on TV that I started setting my alarm clock and waking up in the middle of the night just to watch. I remember thinking that women were for my own self gratification and this was obvious in my current relationship and in all my dating. So, all of the things that had been under the radar until now, got pushed to the fore front of my life. I never questioned this because I was never taught anything different about sex from my parents or the church. So I added sex to my repertoire, along with alcohol, to help me get through life.
I found that lust worked better for me than alcohol because I could have it anytime I wanted. Unlike alcohol, it never made me feel sick or incoherent. It didn’t have a hang over and you couldn’t smell it on my breath. And. like everything else in my life, I could keep it hidden. Plus, wasn’t sex a God given desire? Even though I had lust in my arsenal to help me deal with life, I still felt alone and unhappy inside. I knew that I had drifted further away than I ever thought I would, but I didn’t know how to change my circumstances. Then I partially hit what we call bottom when I got caught stealing.
I went to jail. That was humiliating and humbling for me. I pleaded with God. I said that “If He truly cared and loved me He’d help me out of this situation, and if HE did, I would change and do whatever it took.” God did help me through the situation and I only had to do community service. So keeping my word, I started to changes in my life. I broke off my 4 year relationship and tried to start my life over.
I was in a place where I needed to define my life, my goals, and my priorities. I spent several months doing this when I met Crystal–my wife to be. Right away I saw there was something special, something different about her. After about a year of dating, I knew she was the one, and on Valentines Day of 1998 I asked her to marry me. It seemed like things were taking a 180 degree turn for me. We wanted our relationship to be right before God so this landed me back inside the church doors, but things were different this time. I recommitted my life before God and it seemed as if everything was perfect. We got married in December of 1998 and reality soon set in. I needed to graduate from college, find a career, and and work to provide for us.
I soon realized I was more like my dad than I wanted to be and I expected Crystal to be like my mom. From there our lives could only come crashing down and that is exactly what happened. Not wanting to or knowing how to deal with the pressures and stresses, I did the only thing I knew how to do, which was turn back to my old familiar ways. I started to withdraw and isolate. The lust and fantasy, along with drinking and partying with co-workers, helped me to escape my reality. Once again I became a product of my environment. Instead of talking to God and my wife, I began to confide in another woman. At first it didn’t feel right, but over time it became more comfortable. As I became more emotionally attached to her, I became less attached to my wife and this only created more tension in my marriage. Eventually my emotional affair led to a physical one. This only worsened my condition because now I couldn’t face the reality of what I had done. I felt lost, trapped, and all alone once again.
I couldn’t seem to stop the lies, the affair, the drinking, and the late nights of not coming home until 2 or 3 in the morning. This was too much for our marriage to handle. Because I was not willing to face the reality of what I had done, my wife had all she could handle and left. I couldn’t stop her because I wasn’t willing to face my consequences, and see the truth of who I had become. I wanted her back, but I wasn’t willing to do whatever it took to make it work. Eventually I talked her into coming home and told her that it would be different, that I had changed. But that was just lip service because my actions hadn’t changed.
I felt torn between two worlds. In reality I loved my wife and had exactly what I’d dreamed of in a woman; but, on the other side, I had someone to help me temporarily escape my shame and guilt with alcohol and sex. This is what I had always used to medicate the pain but this time it was only pushing me further into feeling hopeless, worthless, despair, and depressed. Eventually Crystal packed everything and went to live with her mom until I had a real heart change. I was completely devastated. I had lost what I was hoping to hold onto.
I felt like a failure in every aspect of my life; and, now that Crystal was gone, I had lost the only good thing I had. I couldn’t turn to my family, and when I tried to turn to God, HE seemed very distant. Over the next several weeks though He did give me the strength and confidence and the little bit of hope that I needed to overcome the current darkness in my life. I did believe that I could make things right with my wife, so I cut off all ties with the other woman and set out to do what ever it took to get her back. Knowing that her family hated me, I swallowed my pride and went to talk to her. After talking for awhile she told me that we could start dating again but that was it. Eventually, with time, she came home and I tried to regain her trust once more. I was doing everything I could to rebuild our marriage, except for one key ingredient, telling the truth about my affair.
I had blamed everything that was wrong about me on partying and drinking. I worried that if she knew the real truth that she would leave me for good. But she asked me repeatedly if I had been involved with anyone else. She told me that she would forgive me, but that she needed to know the truth. Because I didn’t believe her, I continued to lie. Imagine that, me the liar, not believing her. I didn’t believe that she could truly forgive me for something as bad as adultery–at least, that was what the enemy wanted me to believe.
I knew that we would soon move to Texas and I hoped that we would leave all of our problems behind and get a fresh new start. But the secret lie would only plague our marriage and I continued to distance my relationship with God for the next several years. I didn’t know how to deal with my issues and I didn’t know how to handle life’s stresses–and the pressure that came along with it.
We moved to a new state, bought a new car and purchased a new home; but, that wasn’t the answer. I started a career, in which I worked very hard to be the best, so that I could earn praise, reward and recognition from people. But it wasn’t the answer either. It seemed I had tried just about everything I could think of; but the happiness it brought was only temporary. I had a hard time coping with the thought that all life had to offer me was a mediocre marriage, discontentment and no significance. Could this really be all life had to offer? As I asked that question I felt such a loneliness inside. But that is were God needed me to be, a place to where I had truly tried all of my options, and saw that they had gotten me nothing but hurt and pain.
A place where I could finally see a better way was His way. This was a place where I found power and healing in His Son Jesus Christ. I discovered that HE (Jesus) was the way and the truth and the life in which I had longed for. God was now ready to do for me what I couldn’t do for myself–to perform spiritual surgery and change my life. This started with getting involved in a Recovery based Church, where there it was safe and normal not to be perfect.
Next he led me into accountability and in this accountability Ecclessiastes 4: 9-12 came to life. Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A chord of three strands is not easily broken. James 5:16 came to life for me. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
As these began taking place, my stagnant relationship with God started to grow. Next, came my first big test; one that would change my life and relationship with God. He was asking me to tell my wife about the affair that had taken place over 2 years ago. I wrestled with God on this for several days because I didn’t know how this could be beneficial for my marriage. I could not seehow going back to the past could help change the future. Then God spoke to me through 2 key scriptures-Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding“, and Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, “declares the Lord,” plans to prosper you and plans to give you hope and a future. So with that God gave me enough courage to tell my wife. This was by far the toughest challenge I’ve ever faced to this point in my life, but God walked me through it, and what I experienced can best be described in John 8: 32. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
That night I felt that freedom for the first time and God changed my heart forever. There was a peace that I’d never known before, and through my wife’s forgiveness there was a new understanding of God’s love and grace for me. There was new hope and confidence that our marriage would be better than we could imagine. I was so captivated by what God had done for me that I couldn’t wait to learn more.
Next, I joined a 12 step class. From that God showed me that I struggled with selfishness, pride, perfection, bitterness, and lust. Through the 12 steps God showed me a new relationship with Christ so that through His power I could overcome these issues in my life. During the 12 step process I came to believe Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and 2 Corinthians 12:9 My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
Christ gave me significance and took away my loneliness, He had filled the void in my heart. From this point I started becoming emotionally healthy and as I did, my spiritual growth took off. You see I was once blind, but God opened my heart so that I could see, and that’s why I continue to work diligently with the help of Christ to overcome barriers in my life as God reveals them to me. I realize that this race is a marathon, not a sprint, and that I will not be made completely whole until I go home. James 1: 22-25 warns us about stopping in the middle of the race. He says, “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in the mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it - he will be blessed in what he does.
People, as I stand before you now, I can say that I am truly blessed in every area of life beyond what I deserve or could have imagined for myself. But I know this, if I don’t continue in this process everyday, then I’ll forget and stop doing the things God asked me to do. If I stop, I’ll lose out on His blessings in my life. For me that’s not a fair trade off. I want to end this with a few things that are reminders to me of just how wonderful, how amazing, how unfailing God’s love is for us, and that God is bigger than anything I may face in life. You see I had done almost everything possible to screw up my life, and I had done almost everything possible to destroy my marriage, but no matter what I did, I couldn’t. This is best explained in Proverbs 19:21 where God says, many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. That is why I am who I am today. That is the only reason why I stand before you now. Isn’t that awesome to know?
Thank you God!
