Rethinking the Big “M”
First let me say that I can’t believe that I’m writing this essay. It reminds me of something that I probably should have done when I was a young boy or teen ager. But, since I didn’t do it back then, I suppose it is better late than never to reflect on matters of purity and holiness as it relates to how I behave sexually.
When we were given the assignment to write on the topic, Why Masturbation is Wrong, I was surprised to discover that a part of me was still asking the question, IF in fact masturbation is wrong. I certainly know the answer I am supposed to give; but, I’m not sure I had come to solid reasons of my own for avoiding this practice other than it has proven successful for me with sex and love addictions.
I can’t recall any significant mentor discussing this topic with me. I do remember that one day in college, a psychology teacher in my major told the class that he thought masturbation was something young men outgrew. But other than this man, no one ever weighted in on this subject—at least that I can remember. I do remember a Christian writer named Charley Shedd wrote a book long years ago entitled “The Stork is Dead” where he said that masturbation was sex with yourself and a good thing. Strangely, I had no parental or religious teaching on this subject. I discovered masturbation on my own—I had never spoken with anyone about it and didn’t even know what it was until I was 19 years old. By my calculations, I have been involved with self-gratification for some 35 years. Now, at the ripe old age of 54, I’m rethinking this question from a different perspective that comes from life experience—some of it from the school of hard knocks. I wish I knew at 19 what I know today. I wish someone I respected had taught me what I needed to know.
Yes, I believe that masturbation is wrong and that it is a sin against the body—as 1 Corinthians teaches. The primary reason I believe it is wrong is because of the thoughts one must entertain to enjoy the process. Jesus’ teachings are rather clear; he said that that for a man to look at a woman lustfully was the same as committing adultery in his heart. Jesus went beyond acting out—he taught the importance of guarding our hearts and taking captive our thoughts. Jesus knew the importance of keeping a pure heart because of the actions that would flow from it. Simple stated, to enjoy masturbation, one must hold lustful thoughts and commit adultery in the heart. Further, one must often seek material to serve as a stimulus for our sin. This heart adultery separates us from God and creates a stronghold for Satan in our lives if we don’t confess our sin and ask God to forgive us. But even if we were to conjure a fantasy woman in our minds that wasn’t based on an actual person we knew or saw, I still believe that masturbation would be wrong. In my experience, a lustful thought moves our minds away from wanting to think about God and His righteousness. Instead of seeking to serve Him, we increase our desire to act out in some sexual way. From a personal standpoint, I can testify that when I hold lustful thoughts in my mind, it is not long before my body responds in kind. The response my body gives causes me to feel even more amped up and wanting some sort of sexual activity. I have often found myself in a vicious cycle. I would entertain lustful thoughts, causing a physiological reaction, amping me up even more than before, leading me to eventually acting out in some sexually satisfying way. As I participated in this cycle more and more, sometimes several times a day, I found that my attitudes towards women became more distorted. Masturbation is wrong because I found that my lustful thoughts led me to objectify women; and, once I was able to do that, it became easier to seek other forms of stimulation—most notably pornography—some of it very degrading. In my distorted thinking women were more objectified body parts than real human beings. This type of thinking made it easier to view pornography for sexual stimulation.
Masturbation is wrong because it led me to even more dysfunctional behavior. My addiction to pornography became full blown about 15 years ago as I began to actively seek out anything and everything I could find over the internet, including videotapes and an occasional pornographic magazine. Now, instead of constructing my own fantasies, I began to fully participate in an industry that catered to immoral fantasies and behaviors. My willingness to participate in this kind of ungodliness developed even more lust in me. This was a thirst that could not be satisfied and became such a driving agent in me that I constantly thought about sex and the next opportunity to spend time alone looking for more pictures and videos. I become so consumed with all of this that I could hardly look at a woman without feeling like I knew what she would be like without her clothes and imagined what she would be like sexually.
Masturbation is wrong because it caused me to become dishonest and duplicitous. My addiction to pornography increased in such a way as to become outrageous. I was becoming more and more consumed in my fantasy world that centered on me. I found myself spending outrageous amounts of time searching for just the perfect video, losing much needed sleep and refreshment, becoming secretive and lying to cover my tracks, being hypocritical to my fellow believers and even more of a self centered person. As my addiction grew into full bloom, I become a more and more difficult person to live with. Eventually, my wife had enough of my selfish behavior and began to consider leaving me for another life. I lived in constant worry that I’d be found out and that my reputation would suffer. Even as all of this was happening to me, it never occurred to me that masturbation and pornography was the causal agent behind it all. My denial, stupidity, duplicity, and blindness, imposed upon me by the devil, kept me in a prison of darkness.
In the beginning masturbation seemed like an innocent way to give myself some good feelings as well as the physical release that I felt I needed. I did not see it as a form of idolatry or lack of faith in God to satisfy my needs in life as well as my marriage. As the sickness progressed, I became enslaved to a habit that I could not escape. No amount of will power lasted for long and no program I tried on my own was effective. I felt effectively isolated and cut-off from any help. I didn’t know of anyone I could turn to and had no idea of how I could deliver myself from this huge life distortion. I felt shame, guilt, frustration, disappointment and condemnation. My thinking was self-centered, distorted, and decidedly impure. I was perverting all that was dear to me with no idea of how I’d get out of my situation. I was using masturbation to solve deep rooted problems—even as an alcoholic turns to drink. Instead of focusing upon the important issues in my life that needed resolution, I took the easy way out with pornography and looked to the brain chemicals that acting out would release. What started out as a single act of unchallenged unrighteousness would become a nightmare that destroyed so much of what I hold dear.
What lessons have I learned? I think the following statements from online course, Setting Captive Free summarizes it best.
Every temptation is designed by the enemy of our souls to cause us to disobey God, and to bypass our own cross. Satan’s design is for us to give in and disobey, rather than to resist and offer our bodies a living sacrifice; to indulge our flesh, rather than crucify it. The devil hates anything requiring humility and dependence upon God, and loves to tell us of our own self-sufficiency. Satan’s aim is to tempt a Christian to overthrow his relationship to God as a Father, so as to cut off his dependence on Him.
Viewing pornography or dwelling on real-life sexual images is like pouring gas on the fire of lust. It makes us walk around all day long with lust in our hearts because of the pornographic images in our minds, and those images may drag us into self-gratification or immorality. This is a very frustrating thing for people who wish to be free from this habitual sin, as the images torment our minds. It is as if the devil is mocking us or, worse yet, it is as if he is raping our souls.
Today I am learning a new way. In this new life, I focus upon God’s will for my life and depend upon Him to supply me with whatever I need in all areas of my life—including sex. I have found that since adopting the Men of Freedom teaching of no masturbation, that I am take control of my thoughts in a way I could not before. My feelings of guilt and shame are past me now and this has allowed my distorted thinking to be exposed for what it is and was. Looking to God for righteousness has shown me that masturbation is not an option for I know that entertaining a seemingly innocent thought can soon grow into something else. I know that when I obey Christ, and don’t allow a thought to progress to lust, that I can be free from the pain and sorrow I once had in my life—something I don’t need or want anymore. Because I am obeying God, He is blessing me. He is transforming my thoughts from perversion to purpose. With these thoughts out of the way, I’m finding that I can focus on what I am really here to do. As my thoughts change, I find that I’m not objectifying women as I once did. I am enjoying being with others and see them as having unique talents and abilities. Yes, I’m finding that trusting God allows him to bless me in ways that I could not imagine before. God has shown me that I can be delivered from sexual sin and has freed me from a long standing bondage that I once thought was only natural and normal. He’s showing me that he can do what I was not able to do on my own. I’m learning that God’s power to change me from the inside is awesome and for the first time in a long time, I’m feeling hopeful and happy.
