The Purity Project of OKC

Discovering that your husband is using porn can be a very disappointing and discouraging moment for many women. It is a time that brings about many unanswered questions. The purpose of this article is to answer some of the most common questions about what you should say and do.

1. Why is he doing this?

   In the beginning he probably enjoyed the thrill and excitement that came by seeing forbidden images. Since, most of the time, this is done in privacy, it is easy for the frequency of the behavior begins to increase–as well as the amount of time spent drinking in the images. Before long, the habit develops into a physiological and psychological addiction that is most difficult, if not impossible to break on his own. Those who study the chemistry of the brain compare the chemicals that are released into the body with crack cocaine. Thus, the body becomes dependent upon the stimulus and release. In short, pornography produces an addiction that is as powerful as drugs and alcohol.

   On another level, pornography, as with other addictions, serves to medicate and anesthetize unpleasant problems and unresolved issues that are carried within. As these stresses build within the person, they seek release from the pressure they feel.

   For more information read How do addictions begin?

2. Is it my fault that my husband is using pornography?

   The emphatic answer is NO!

   You are not responsible for the choice your husband makes by seeking pornography. Many men will blame their wifes for this; but, no matter what he may say, each person is responsible for their own actions. No matter what things you may have said or done, he is the one who makes the choice to seek out pornography.

   Sometimes it is hard to believe or accept that we have little or no control over the things someone close to us does. We would like to believe that our influence can make a difference and we constantly wonder if we could have said or done something to make a difference one way or the other. But the fact is, If your husband is choosing to seek out pornography, he is doing so of his own free will–at least in the beginning. Once he is hooked, his ability to make wise choices diminishes due to physiological, psychological and emotional factors that are greater than him.

   While you must not assume that you are responsible for what your husband does, you should begin to educate yourself so that you do not encourage or enable bad behavior. Thus, you should not minimize the seriousness of what he is doing; and, in no circumstances should you participate in his behavior.

   For more information, read Responsibility and Choice in Addiction

3. Does this mean that I can’t trust my husband?

   For many women, there is a huge loss of trust that takes place upon learning that their husband is using pornography. The answer to the question about trust is not an easy one to answer for several reasons. First, good men are tempted to look at things they should not see. It is possible that your husband’s involvement with porn has been minimal–though not likely. Exposure to porn is occurring at early ages and intensifies as he gets older. The question before you is one of degree. You must try and determine the degree of involvement your husband has with pornography. Is it minimal or has become addicted? Has his behavior become compulsive? Do you suspect that Is he acting out in other ways such as affairs, prostitutes, strip clubs and so on? It is necessary to determine his degree of involvement before you can make estimates of your ability to trust him. Sometimes it may be necessary to start carefully observing your husband’s habits to see if you can determine any unhealthy patterns. Here are some other things you might consider.

   First, please be careful about verbalizing any lack of trust towards him. Don’t let your anger and frustration get the better of you. If your husband has been a good provider, a good father, and a good partner in every other respect, it is most likely that your husband is caught in a problem where your continued goodwill, help and support can move him to seek the help he needs. Not to minimize a serious problem, but all of us have the potential of becoming caught up in something that is bigger than we are. If you are to help him, it is important that your actions don’t don’t drive him to even more secrecy. Remember, if you make it painful for him to be honest with you, he will probably avoid telling you anything that you need to know that may help him. Instead, your goal should be to become a safe person that he can confide in so that he can begin to get appropriate help.

   Having said that, it is important to know that people who have an addiction live in denial about the extent of their problem. This is not because they are necessarily dishonest, it is an ego protective mechanism that keeps them from seeing themselves in an negative light. Thus most men will minimize what they have been doing both in amount and in degree.

   A final thing to consider, unless your husband is the one who has come forward to admit the problem, he will, most likely, deny the full extent of his involvement to momentarily delay the any suffering, guilt or shame. Remember, he may not be certain about what your reaction will be if he tells you everything. Or he may incorrectly assume that you will impose drastic consequences. He may worry that you will leave him or that you will break down emotionally. Since he’s uncertain of what your response will be, he may deny his involvement or the full extent of his problem. Generally speaking, by the time you learn of his involvement, there may well be more to his story than what he is telling you.

   For more information, read Spouse of an addict? Don’t go it alone.

4. Is this something I should be concerned about?

   Yes, pornography addiction is a serious problem. It grows worse over time and it will eventually begin to erode the relationship as the person becomes more given over to the addiction. Pornography addiction is just as serious a problem as drinking and drugs or any other addiction. This problem will not just affect him, it will impact everyone in the family at some point or another. In some cases, men stop having sex entirely with their wives. In all men, the mind and decision making process is compromised as men begin to see all women, and men as well, in sexualized ways. Pornography can lead to hypersexualized behavior that in a certain amount of men will lead to illegal actions.

5. Should I just ignore this?

   No! Would you ignore a gambling problem? Would you ignore someone with an alcohol and drug abuse problem? If not, then you shouldn’t ignore this addiction either. Sexual compulsions can ruin relationships and bring much heartache and strain to families. If you ignore this problem, you will find yourself resorting to enabling behaviors that will only encourage him to go further into the addiction. This problem will not go away by ignoring it or assuming that this is something that all men do. To be an effective partner in his recovery, it is suggested that you join a 12 step support group to help you understand your part in all of this and what you must do. A good place to start is a 12 step group that seeks to help those with co-dependent behaviors.

6. My husband says this is nothing–that all men are involved in porn.

   There are estimates that indicate that 60% of men, and as many as 35% of women may have a pornography problem. It is rampant; however, there are still large numbers of men who do not use pornography at all. What is probably true is that every man alive has looked at things he should not have seen. Having said that, there is a difference between looking at something only a few times and the daily habitual, ritual like, use of pornography.

   Because pornography is so available in our society, many men have come to believe that it’s “no big deal”; and, they belittle the opinions of those who say otherwise. But in many men, porn develops into a serious problem leading to all kinds of sexual compulsions and addictions. The nature of porn is fantasy based and is all about pleasing one’s self outside of the marriage relationship–which is unhealthy for the long term health of marriages. A porn habit is usually conducted in secret and drives one to seek isolation rather than intimacy. The usage of porn leads men to seek additional and harder forms of sexual stimulation. This leads to a hypersexuality where the sex drive exceeds what many relationships can bear and unrealistic expectations upon sexual partners. Many men, driven by their sexual compulsions cross lines they would never have considered before their addiction. Some of these lines involve immoral behaviors while others include illegal actions. Finally, pornography is a cancer of the mind that causes one to become more isolated, selfish and difficult to deal with.

   If there are children in the family, there is always the possibility that they might discover pornographic materials at an age where they are ill prepared to understand to understand what is going on. Children don’t know what to do with this information. The use of pornography is a big deal!

7. What should I say and do?

   Whether your husband comes to you or you discover by accident that your husband is using pornography, by all means confront him in a firm but gentle way. He needs to know that you have discovered his secret. He also needs to know that you love him and accept him but do not expect him to remain entangled in this problem. It is important that he understand that you expect him to stop what he is doing and to seek competent help. It is important that you communicate that (1) he must stop and (2) that he must seek help. Pornography is just as addictive as drugs–even more so when one understands the brain chemistry involved in the release of endorphins throughout the body. A drug user is rarely able to stop their habit by their own willpower–it takes help. There are numerous statistics that back this up. A person who is caught up in pornography will rarely be able to stay stopped without competent help that includes accountability and a support group. An answer, no matter how sincerely and well meaning it is given, that indicates an intention to quit on his own should not be acceptable. This will only prolong his struggles and your problems.

   Your demeanor throughout the process should be that of a loving person who insists on getting him the help that he needs.

8. My husband says he’s going to stop. Is it that easy?

   No, it isn’t. Denial is strong in all forms of addiction. There is the belief that “I can stop anytime I want to.” But the facts just don’t bear this claim out. Quitting any addiction is difficult. Quitting a sexually compulsive addiction is even more difficulty. The failure rate is about 85%. However, with accountability and a 12 step support group, the success rate can be as high as 80%. On a personal level, I was determined to stop for a period of 15 years and I couldn’t do it. I am intelligent, have an advanced graduate degree and tons of discipline. But none of this matters when an addiction is involved. In fact, all of this can actually work against recovery. If your husband is going to have a fighting chance of being free of his sexual compulsions, he must be willing to do the things that show success. This includes support groups and accountability,.

9. My husband has suggested that I watch pornographic movies with him.

   Typically the idea is presented that pornography will improve the sex life or get each other more stimulated for a sexual encounter. Actually, it is more likely that he wants you to participate in his addiction. Pornography is about creating a self-stimulating fantasy. If/when you participate with him in his addictive behaviors, you are allowing him to use you as a surrogate for the images in his mind. He will not be thinking of you–he will be using you while he imagines having sex with someone else. With the use of pornography, there is a constant need to intensify the stimulation once the stimuli is no longer exciting. Thus, the continual use of pornography in a relationship may also lead to seeking additional sexual stimulation outside of the relationship.

10. What does this mean for our marriage?

    Facing this problem together can be one of the greatest things you’ve ever done to help your marriage grow. It will help you solve underlying issues that need to be resolved and give you an opportunity to make things better. On the other hand, ignoring the problem or letting it continue unchallenged, will most certainly invite additional problems into your relationship. The hypersexual behaviors that accompany sexual compulsions are not something that will strengthen your relationship–it is something that will strain and tear it down.

11. Should I leave my husband?

    Only if he is unwilling to seek competent help and work on his problems. His sexual acting out is an indication of deeper issues. These issues will continue to erode away at your relationship and his esteem unless he is willing to work on them. There are various ways of addressing these problems, including 12 step groups, on-line study groups, personal therapy and support groups such as those offered by the Purity Project.

12. What steps are involved for my husband to be free of this problem?

    We encourage you to read the article “First Steps” on the menu tab at the top of the page. Here is an outline of the steps:

    1. Admit that you have a problem.
    2. Stop trying to solve this problem by yourself.
    3. Admit the problem to someone else.
    4. Practice radical amputation.
    5. Create new boundaries.
    6. Find an accountability partner.
    7. Install internet reporting software.
    8. Set-up consequences when you fail.
    9. Be wiling to set aside time each day to address your problems.
    10. Make your focus to better understand what God wants and thinks.

         

    For more information, please read How to Start Healing from Porn.