Was Eliot Spitzer a Sex Addict?
Another very powerful man has fallen from power into abject humiliation. For the past several days, as the headlines about Governor Eliot Spitzer continue to grab our attention, I have noticed any number of similarities between his life, my life, and the lives of those I know who suffer from sexual compulsions and addictions. Spitzer’s is being railed upon from almost every corner, and perhaps rightfully so, for his hypocrisy and immoral behavior. Stories involving sex grab headlines and the press has not disappointed us. However, unlike so many public figures and people in the press, I’m not going to be one to throw the first stone. Some of us have been there and we know the pain that comes when our lives suddenly crash about us. Is Eliot Spitzer a sexual addict? I believe so and I’ll give a few reasons why.Before looking at the similarities between Eliot Spitzer and sexual addicts, it’s important to mention a few things straightway. None of us at the Purity Project believes that just because a person struggles with an addiction that they should be absolved of personal responsibility. Spitzer should be held accountable for what he has done and he should be required to answer any tough questions about his behaviors as it relates to the job he was elected to do. Additionally, because he is an elected public figure, it is only fair that he face public attention and scrutiny–especially since he is one who championed morality. Should he lose his job, his reputation, his wife and family and everything he’s worked for over his lifetime? That’s a harder question to answer–but one thing appears certain; now would be a very good time for Gov. Spitzer to take responsibility for everything that is not working his personal life.
The Double Life
One of the hallmarks of a sex addict is the secret double life. By all accounts, Governor Spitzer championed moral causes while the private Eliot Spitzer sought prostitutes. This double life is similar to numerous men and women I have known who find ways of partitioning their lives into totally different and contradictory spheres. Men and women from all walks in life can be sexual addicts including: successful ministers, doctors, lawyers and politicians. The sexual addict is well aware that their behavior is not approved by society at large; yet, the thrill and excitement associated with their secret sexual behavior is a drug that cannot be avoided. Sexual addicts are ashamed of what they are doing and they become experts at appearing one way while living another. This leads to another hallmark of the sexual addict–denial.
Denial
Denial is a state of mind where a person refuses to acknowledge the severity of what they are doing and a belief that no serious consequence is coming their way. It’s a mindset where an individual somehow convinces themselves that the things that they are doing isn’t all that harmful. Denial is a protective mechanism that keeps us from the suffering that occurs when what we believe and say doesn’t line up with what we do.
Sexual addicts are masters of denial. Spitizer is alleged to have spent thousands of dollars on call girls. In this day and age, one would have to have a case of serious denial to believe that a person of high political standing could be involved in such behavior without someone finding out. An ordinary person would probably realize that large sums of money, wire transfers, and time spent away with escorts would probably call attention to ourselves. Yet, because of denial, all of this seemed to escape Eliot Spitzer. As crazy as it sounds, I understand. I know many people, myself included, who have done similar things. We act as though we can keep a secret forever and that no one will ever find out. Like the Governor, we never believed, or faced the fact, that our world could come crashing down about us.
Deception
Sexual addicts lie to themselves and others. They do their best to cover their tracks–lest they be discovered. Evidently Spitzer resorted to wire transfers in the hope that his behavior would remain secret. Ironically, these wire transfers caught the attention of federal investigators who feared he might be involved in abuse of power. Additionally, as a cover for his behavior, Spitzer developed the persona of a moral crusader.
The sexual addicts I have known have resorted to similar tricks. Some have resorted to hidden credit cards, bank accounts, secret mail boxes, cell phones, and other deceptive tricks. In every case, the addict appeared to be some thing different on the outside than they were on the inside. Deception is the stock and trade of a sexual addict.
The Volatile Personality
The media is beginning to indicate that the Governor was known as a difficult man. Ask the wives of any addict and they’ll tell you the same thing. The stress that causes a person to seek solace in an addiction, the double life, and the secrecy all take their toll on the personality. The very nature of a sexual addiction requires secrecy and is built around a life of pleasing the self. The deeper we go into the sexual addiction, the more selfish we become and the harder we are to please–at all levels of life.
Risky Behavior
The addictive cycle predicts that as one gets deeper into the drug of choice, the riskier the behaviors become. Whether drugs, alcohol or sex, the dosage of the stimuli that once produced a euphoric rush, must somehow be increased over time in order to maintain the desired outcome. Thus, the addict resorts to harder and harder stimuli so that they can enjoy the same results. At some point, the body reaches the limits of its ability to be stimulated. In drug addicted people, this is known as the overdose. For the sexual addict, a choice may be made to participate in behaviors that were once considered high risk. For more information please read: Where are you in the addictive process?
The party is over.
Eventually, our behaviors catch up with us. What once started as a rather “harmless” activity can become a full-on addiction. What once started as a choice becomes something we have less and less control over. The addiction controls us instead of us controlling it. We do and participate in things we never we’d do. Our thinking becomes twisted. The stress of our actions shows in our emotional state. Though others may not know exactly what we’re doing, they usually know that something is amiss in our lives. In the end, if we do not have the courage to seek help, the addiction will carry us to a tragic and bitter end. Our world will come crashing down around us. I wish that all I have just written could be dismissed as hyperbole and overstatement. Unfortunately, I know too many people who have suffered devastating results.
A choice to make
In every addict’s life, there is a choice to make once the bottom falls out. We can choose to seek help, or we can remain mired in our addiction until even more tragedy befalls us. I pity Eliot Spitzer. I hope he seeks help. I know what he is going through. If he can set aside his pride and humble himself to listen to those who have experience in these matters, his life can be reborn. This rebirth is marvelous. For those of us who have gone through it, we have found redemption that we would never have known had this tragedy not befallen us. Though many of us have paid a heavy price for our addictive ways, now that we are on the other side, we actually realize how fortunate we are to have left it behind for a better happier life. Some of us are even thankful that we suffered as we did. One thing that is common to all of us who’ve paid the price of recovery, we want to help others who are seeking a way out.
Conclusion
Eliot Spitzer isn’t the first powerful man to lose everything he valued because of lust. Unfortunately, this same scenario is played out among lesser known people each day all over the world. So many men and women have lost their relationships, families, loved ones, jobs and credibility because of uncontrolled sexual addictions. Like Governor Spitzer, if you are in a sexual addiction, a day of reckoning is coming. Only you can choose which way you want to lose; but from experience, if you continue to live in denial of your problem, a time will certainly come when your world, as you know it, will come crashing down upon you. When this happens, it will be no less traumatic for you than it was for Eliot Spitzer. Sexual addiction is a dead end. A wise person will learn a lesson from this highly visible morality play. We here at the Purity Project of Oklahoma City are here to help you and as near as a phone call. Call 1-877-5-PURITY.
