The Purity Project of OKC

I’m very fortunate. I work in a place that doesn’t require all of us to wear a suit and tie. Our code is that you should look nice, be presentable and feel comfortable. The other day I decided to go for it. I wore a nice shirt, tie, coat and slacks. No doubt about it, I looked great. Around noon I discovered something. I had been going from place to place and department to department with my zipper down! I could not help but wonder how many people had seen my predicament and decided to say nothing rather than embarrass me. The same is true about life. All of us have blind spots; the parts of our lives that others can see but we cannot–and some of it can be pretty darn embarrassing. When I was heavily involved in pornography, and all that goes with that affliction, I had a huge blind spot. I couldn’t see it, but those close to me could. Even today I am still coming to terms with just how blind I was. The blindness I am talking about is selfishness.

We become selfish

There are two overall orientations to life: giving or taking. While all of us do some of each, the equation requires that we be more invested in one than the other. The life of a person who is caught up in compulsive sexual behaviors is more about pleasing the self than giving to others the things that they need. The more we drink in a constant stream of images and videos, the more we find that we are less and less satisfied with our flesh and blood partners. Though we may live in denial about this, we find ourselves wishing our partners could be more like the constantly changing fantasies that we create and indulge in. This can happen without us ever saying a word. It oozes from our every action and treatment towards our partners without us being aware of it. Because our fantasies are all about what we want, our partners soon develop a feeling that they are not enough for us and that we cannot be pleased. The truth is, when we turn to sexually compulsive behaviors we are implicitly and explicitly saying that they are not enough for us. This leads us to a feeling of entitlement.

Our selfishness leads us to feelings of entitlement

Entitlement means that we think we deserve something that someone can’t or won’t give us. There are three courses of action that we can take when we feel entitled to something. We can just go get what we want from some other place, we can stuff our feelings into a well developed anger and resentment or we can do both. Those caught up in unhealthy sexual compulsions choose the latter. We become angry and resentful towards our partners because we feel that they are ignoring what we feel are our very obvious wants and needs. We begin to wonder if we choose wisely and whether there is something better out there. Those who must deal with us who are caught in the full bloom of our addictive and compulsive behaviors report that we become increasingly insensitive, angry and petty. Rage, anger, and arguments become more commonplace. This leads us to feel that we are perfectly entitled to get for ourselves what our partners cannot or will not do. Many of us have stepped well beyond the bounds of our relationships and using this kind of logic. We discover that we can take what we have not been given and what we cannot get from our relationship.

We become takers more than givers

We also begin looking externally from the relationship to find alternate ways of satisfying our needs. In addition to the images we drink in, we may begin to explore the real-time online worlds of chat rooms, webcams and other interactive sexual behaviors. These don’t require us to be physically present, but they do cross the line and link us to other people who are willing to cater to our passions and fantasies. Others of us may participate in high risk sexual behaviors involving prostitutes, or visits strip-clubs, peep shows and the like. All of these behaviors represent a willingness to take what doesn’t belong to us by reaching outside of the bounds of our relationship. Some of us sever physical relationships in favor of fantasy and imagination. We turn to a world of self-gratification and leave only a small amount of passion and emotion in our relationships. Though we may not see it at the time, our belief that we are entitled to please ourselves by stepping out of the bounds of our relationship is nothing less than cheating. We may rationalize that no physical contact has taken place, but that is small comfort to those about us when they see our willingness to look in other places while we set them aside. Sometimes a fantasy can cause more pain than someone we might allow to steal us away. Once we commit to our compulsions and fantasies, we learn that in our worlds, we must give in order to get.

We give in order to get

As mentioned above, people may be classified as givers and takers. When we are caught up in sexually compulsive behaviors, we become takers; but, the story doesn’t end there. Our once altruistic giving suddenly becomes less about meeting the needs of others and more about an expectation of getting something we wish to receive in return. We lose sight of the blessings of giving. We no longer give to offer the emotional support needs of our partners; rather, we give our emotional energies to ever changing fantasies designed to come back to us as personal physical pleasure. Though we may not realize it, we only have so much emotional energy to give. When we give the very thing our relationships need to survive and prosper to someone else, we are causing serious damage to those closest to us. It may well be that this harm cannot be undone.

Conclusion

Sexually compulsive behaviors and addictions cause us to become blind to what is most precious to us–our real life relationships! Our desire to participate in a fantasy world builds a selfishness that kills intimacy and creates isolation. Just as surely as we do these thing, we will reap the consequences of our actions. Sometimes, when one reads articles like this, there is a tendency to downplay the claims that are made as scare tactics or exaggerations. But I assure you that the consequences of a selfish life involved in sexually compulsive behaviors are drastic and far reaching. They extend far beyond what we have discussed today. For some, it will include public humiliation and shame; for others, broken lives, relationships and families. Many of us in the Purity Project of Oklahoma City have suffered far beyond what we ever could have imagined. No habit or compulsion is worth any of this. If there is anything we can do to help–no matter where you are, or what’s happened to you, we hope you’ll contact us.