The Purity Project of OKC

1. ADMIT THAT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM

One of the hardest things for any of us to do is to admit that we actually have a problem, at least, I know it was difficult for me. My marriage was falling apart; I was looking at porn multiple times a day–sometimes for as long as four to six hours; I was staying up late at night and not getting enough sleep; I was constantly paranoid that someone would discover my problem; I was hiding tapes, files DVDs and magazines and lying about how I was spending my time–all the while feeling tremendous guilt and shame. Yet, in my mind, “I wasn’t sure that I had a problem.” That’s the power of denial.

Perhaps you may be like me and wonder if you have a problem at all; or if you do, perhaps you wonder if it’s serious. If you feel guilt and shame over what you’ve been doing–you’ve got a problem and you need help. It’s as simple as that. That’s what the Purity Project is all about. We want to offer you a way out of the guilt, shame and deceit you are caught up in. A good first step might be to contact us and admit your problem in a safe and confidential environment to someone at the Purity Project.

2. STOP TRYING TO SOLVE THIS ALONE

Isolation is one of the biggest contributors to your problem. As long as you keep doing the things that you’ve been doing you’ll get the same results. Remember, your best thinking is what got you here in the first place! Privacy is your enemy and if you remain in hiding you can’t be helped. Remember, you cannot use privacy to solve a problem born in privacy. You’ve got to come out in the open.

One of the reasons I could never be free of pornography was because I kept my problems to myself. I did ‘t tell anyone–my wife, my best friends, my minister (especially the church people!) anyone! I thought they would all judge me. And, I couldn’t tell those people I knew that really cared for me because I didn’t want to disappoint them and I was doubtful that they would be able to help me. I felt isolated and alone–and I was! Add to this was my pride which kept me from seeking help from other avenues like support groups. I didn’t want to be a part of a support group because I thought they were all losers and perverts (who was judging whom?) and I worried about my privacy.

Isolation will keep you from seeking the help you need. This does not mean that we tell anyone and everybody we have a problem. We see trustworthy people with an ability to help us. The Purity Project is such a trustworthy place. The people here have been where you are now. We’ve all been afraid to come out and seek help. We’ve been through mentorship training and we can get you started.

3. ADMIT YOUR PROBLEM TO SOMEONE ELSE

At the Purity Project we have a saying, “You are as sick as your secrets.” You have been doing things in secret that you are ashamed of and we have found that this secrecy keeps the addictive cycle going. The Bible says “Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. (James 5:16). If you want to be healed, you will have to find someone you can confess and pray with about your situation.

If you are like I once was, you may feel as though you don’t know anyone that you can reveal your secrets to. You may be worried about what they will say or how they will react. All of this is very understandable except for one thing; You can’t be healed if you insist on keeping your problems secret. I found that people were more understanding than I gave them credit for. Most wanted to help me and all wanted to wish me well. While there are hypocrites everywhere, there are just as many or more who really care and want to help you.

At the Purity Project, every single one of us knows that we have been saved by God’s grace and not by anything we have done. We are all very clear that we need a savior! The sick things we have done were dooming us; but, God delivered us from our addictions and saved us from a living hell. We want to be that for you. If you need someone to confess to, why not contact us?

4. RADICAL AMPUTATION

If you want to be healed, you’ll have to get rid of anything and everything that is holding you back. This means that you have to destroy the tapes, dvds, files, magazines–everything. You can’t hold anything back. Some of us at the Purity Project have found that making a ritual of this can make this even more effective. Invite a member from a community of faith or one of us from the Purity Project to help you destroy these physical evidences of your addiction by burning and/or destroying them. As you do so for each item, confession aloud your repentance and ask God for forgiveness and freedom from your bondage. For a list of ideas vist our post on How to stop feeding your lust.

5. CREATE NEW BOUNDARIES

Creating new boundaries means that we learn more about the things that trigger us and cause us to seek out and act on our addiction. For instance, if we know that we can’t resist buying magazines at convenience stores, we make a boundary that we won’t go to convenience stores anymore when we are alone. Most of us know the obvious triggers but fewer of us have discovered the more subtle ones. For instance, some of us trigger much easier when we are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired (HALT). Learning to be aware of these physical and emotional states helps us avoid triggers. All of us are different and react differently. What triggers one person may not impact another. For instance, I have no temptation to by pornographic magazines but I can be easily tempted to watch explicit Pay Per View, HBO and Cinemax shows. So, one of my boundaries was to cancel these cable services.

6. GET AN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER

The studies are in and the results are not very promising. The recovery rate for sexual addictions is near zero for those who don’t have an accountability system in place. Accountability means that we talk to someone almost daily. This person asks us how we’re doing and helps us stay on track. An accountabilty partner should be someone who is further along the road than you are in the healing process. Only God can heal you, but he uses other people to help you along the way. All of us need someone to talk too about these problems.

My buddy Rick is my accountability partner. We talk about four times a week–about almost everything. Our conversations usually last about ten minutes. Rick and I are very different people–except in one way; we both are deadly serious about being free from pornography and any form of sexually impurity. Rick has helped me to see things that I couldn’t see. Let’s face it, none of us can see ourselves objectively; and, when you consider how skewed our thinking became because of pornography, it only makes sense to have a person in our lives who can look at us more objectively.

7. INSTALL REPORTING SOFTWARE

One important boundary that deserves mention all of its own is internet reporting software. The internet is a huge temptation for us all and some studies say that 40% of all men have a serious pornography problem. If you want to be free of pornography you either have to get rid of your computer and the internet, which isn’t very feasible for many of us, or you need to use filtering or reporting software. Reporting software allows you to go about your computer useage as you wish. The only difference is that it will send a report of all the sites that you have visited to your accountability partner. This allows you to refine your boundaries and, for most of us, keeps us from going where we shouldn’t go. I find that I don’t want to have to explain to my accountability partner Rick about visiting a site that I shouldn’t have seen at all.

Two great software programs are Covenant Eyes, X3Watch and Safe Eyes. The one I use is Covenant Eyes.

8. SET-UP CONSEQUENCES WHEN YOU FAIL

People who study sexual addictions tell us that boundaries and accountability are only half the story. We must be willing to accept a consequence if we fail to do as we say. The consequence needn’t be overly harsh; but, it shouldn’t be something we’ll enjoy either. One of the guys here at the Purity Project spends two hours picking up trash along the highway when he fails. Another guy makes a monetary contribution to a political party he despises. The point is that we set a consequence for our actions and agree to do it if and when we fail. Consequences shouldn’t be considered as punishments–just a way of motivating ourselves. For most of us, we’ve never placed any boundaries on ourselves and we’ve done whatever we wanted to do. Guess what, we’ve wound up addicted and in over our heads! Boundaries don’t work if there aren’t consequences for breaking them.

I had to report a failure to my accountability partner. I had been doing very well and thought I was inviincible. Then, a friend came over to the house and wanted to see a movie. We didn’t know much about the movie we selected, but we ordered it anyway via pay per view. It was not our intention to buy a sexy movie. Next thing I know, there’s the “obligatory” nude scene. We quit watching the movie–after the scene had taken place. I reported this to Rick and we agreed that for this “first” failure that I’d not watch television of any sort for one week and that if it happened again that I’d pick up trash for two hours. Now this might seem harsh or juvinile to some; but, keep in mind that I actually watched that nude scene instead of walking out. Rick and I also discussed ways of setting a new boundary. For instance, when I saw this scene coming, I could have left the room and given him a call and returned once the scene was over. Better still, don’t buy any movies that I don’t know much about.

For those of you who chafe at the idea of accepting consequences for your actions, ask yourself this question, “What have you got to lose by trying it?” Which is worse, staying enslaved to your addiction or doing something that moves you out of it?

9. BE WILLING TO SET ASIDE TIME EACH DAY TO ADDRESS YOUR PROBLEMS

Ignorance is our enemy and knowledge is our friend. For those of us who are addicted to lust and inappropriate sexual behaviors, we learned that we had to devote a small amount of time each day to our recovery if we want to remain delivered. For me, I read books written by Christian writers about the subject of recovery and sexual addiction. I’ve learned so many things that have helped me to make better decisions, stay delivered and help others. Spending time learning about the ins-and-outs of our affliction help us to become better warriors. You might want to read some of our book reviews and look at the links we’ve provided here at the Purity Project.

10. MAKE YOUR FOCUS TO BETTER UNDERSTAND WHAT GOD WANTS AND THINKS

I’ve saved the most important part until last. Our addiction is evidence of spiritual failure on our part. I am a lay minister, long time Bible teacher and faithful attendee. I know others at the Purity Project who have advanced theological degrees. Our problem was that our knowledge of God was not enough. Our abilities were not enough to deliver us either. But each of us found that when we came to see ourselves more like God wanted us to; and, when we begin to see God more as he wanted us to see him, our lives changed. Our experience at the Purity Project has taught us that our view of God is tremendously skewed and not to be relied upon. We used God both to justify our wrongs and condemn us at the sametime. Our thinking about God contributed greatly to our sickness. It wasn’t God who was the problem–It was our understanding of him and our unwillingness to trust him to care for us in all things.

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will guide yours steps. (Proverbs 3:5)

Some of our first steps was to start over from the beginning and come to see God in new ways. We studied the Psalms and the wisdom of the Proverbs. We spend daily time with him in study and prayer. We started doing what He says we should do, not our interpretations of what he says for us to do. We decided to trust him to provide for our sexual needs–instead of relying upon ourselves to satisfy them in our own ways. We have found that when we hold ourselves to His standards that we a deeper and more satisfying relationship with Him. As crazy as it may sound, we found that God has used our sexual addictions to cause us to seek him and bring us to the relationship we never had! Thus, we’ve experienced two miracles: deliverance from our addiction and a personally satisfying relationship with our Father.