Sexual Compulsions And Denial Pt. I
Show me a person who is addicted to internet pornography, or acts on sexual compulsions that they know they shouldn’t, and I’ll show you a person who is in denial. Denial is defined as
the refusal to acknowledge the existence or severity of unpleasant external realities or internal thoughts and feelings.1
Those of us who have been involved in our sexual addictions will testify that we found it very difficult to believe that we were harming ourselves and others through our behaviors. At the height of my addiction, I was sleep deprived because I was looking at pornography anywhere between 4 and 6 hours a day; constantly thinking about sex and the next time I could find pornography; hiding sexual materials on the computer and around the house; and not able to see any woman without thinking what she would be like sexually. I behaved resentfully to my wife and was angry inside. My marriage was crumbling and I was miserable and isolated in my thoughts and feelings. Yet, through it all, I could not admit that I had a problem with pornography–though I admitted that it could be a problem for someone else. I also could not see, much less admit, that any of the problems that I faced were directly related to what I was doing. Denial is powerful and deadly. It deadened my emotions, my ability to see clearly, and my marriage. Could this be happening to you?
Indicators that we are in denial
1. We are in denial when we cannot see that what we do is harmful to ourselves and others.
Yes, we may admit that our addiction to pornography could be a possible problem for someone else; but, we usually cannot see the terrific harm and toll it is bringing upon us. We cannot see the impact that quantities of wasted time, the constant feedings of our egos, and the withdrawal of our feelings from our spouses is having upon us and those about us. We may convince ourselves that it is necessary to hide our materials and lie, so that we may cover our tracks, to protect the feelings of others who “wouldn’t understand.” During all of this, we cannot see that our thoughts have become so warped that we justify placing our marriages at risk, lie, cheat and hide what we are doing. It isn’t just the use of pornography, our drug of choice, that causes problems, it’s all the other things that go with it that harm our integrity and make us difficult to be with and loved by others.
2. We are in denial about the harm we cause others when we act out on our sexual compulsions and addictions.
One of the largest denials of all is the belief that no one can be harmed by our secrets. We reason, “If no one can know what we are doing, how can they be harmed?” We are like the teenager, who once they start using drugs, cannot see the dramatic shift taking place in their personalities. Like them, our personalities change dramatic ways when we indulge in our drug of choice! We don’t realize how different we become toward others. We cannot see the selfishness and rudeness of behavior. We think we’re the same person we always were. While it is true that others may not know what is going on in our lives–they can see the resulting selfishness of our behaviors and the change for the worse in our personalities. We become takers instead of givers. We become resentful that those close to us don’t meet our needs (as we perceive them). We don’t see our part of the problems we have between people. Even if we have been involved in our compulsions since our partners have known us, we cannot see the escalation that is taking place within. But our partners can–believe me!
We also may think that we are getting away with something–but we usually don’t. People have a way of finding out what we are doing. Computers leave tracks. DVDs, books, magazines, and materials get discovered. Receipts turn up in odd places. Phone charges and logs get examined. Children snoop around. Spouses become suspicious and observe us more carefully. No matter how careful we think we have been, there is always the possibility that we have been or will be discovered. It isn’t a matter of if–it’s a matter of when! When we’ve been found out, and we don’t know about it, those that learn about our secret shortcomings are left with lives of disappointment and discouragement. Children, friends and spouses don’t know what to do with the information they have discovered. They don’t know whether to confront us or avoid us. We become the hypocrite and emperor who wears no clothes.
3. We are in denial and cannot see the harm we bring to our families or loved ones
We always risk being found out and losing credibility with our families when we participate in our addiction. The fact that we are willing to risk this is an indication of our sickness. The fact that we are willing to risk breaking the hearts of those who love us speaks to our denial. Many of us actually believe that we cannot ever be found out. There is an arrogance in that kind of attitude; and of course, a denial of our arrogance.
Many stop having sexual relationships with their partners–denying them the sexual pleasure and emotional connection that they deserve from the promises we each made to be committed to the other. We inwardly, sometimes outwardly, judge them by the things we’ve seen in our constant search for sexual images and videos. We unfairly compare them to the images we have seen–even though we don’t think we do. When we do have sexual relations, we find it hard to concentrate upon our partners. The images we have seen, or our experiences with others, take over our minds as we fantasize. We find that we are willing to use our partners physically while holding back on our emotional and mental commitments to them as we do so. We deny that these actions could be harmful to our relationships.
We become so self-centered that we cannot understand that the time we spend satisfying our sexual cravings outside of our relationship is time that could have been used for emotional connection, working on our relationships, helping our families, working on our development and so on.
4. We are in denial that our minds and emotions are being harmed.
We think we can drink in the images and act out on our sexual compulsions for hours at a time and not harm our minds or emotions. We think we are immune to problems of thinking–though we admit that others might have a problem. For many of us, at the height of our addiction, our minds were constantly thinking of sex and the next time we could have our fix; yet, we couldn’t see the skewness of this type of thinking. We couldn’t look at a member of the opposite sex without having sexual thoughts and fantasies; yet, we rationalized that this is what everyone does. We felt justified in the anger and resentments we held towards our partners. We saw our behaviors as justifiable and as an understandable reaction to their lack of care and sexual appreciation towards us. Again, we did not see that our choice in holding to these negative emotions could cause pain to others as well as ourselves.
5. We were in denial that our secret addiction impacted our behaviors towards others.
Have you ever told yourself that you would not act out on your anger only to discover that you act out in some other way? That’s the way it is with sexual addictions. Even though we are keeping it secret, it has ways of coming out when we least expect it. It can show itself in the form of angry outbursts, selfishness, denying our loved ones the emotional comfort they seek from us and our willingness to detach mentally and emotionally from those around us.
Most of us who acted on our sexual compulsions have an arrogance we cannot see. We think that what we do doesn’t hurt anybody. Like the alcoholic, we think that our drinking of images, emotional affairs, and acting out doesn’t play out in the real world. We are so not in reality! The things we do privately show outwardly to others in ways that we cannot see.
1. http://www.minddiso...m/Del-Fi/Denial.html
