You Choose How You Are Going to Lose
Whether it’s cards, sports or life, there comes a point where we realize that we aren’t winning and that we have to choose how we want to lose. The same is true for those of us with a porn problem or sexual compulsion (or any kind of problem for that matter). The die may already be set; but, we get to decide if we want to lose by Going Down in Flames or be a Wise Loser. We make the choice.
The Down in Flames loser
The first kind of loser goes down in flames . This is the loser that goes for broke and just keeps at it until their everything in their world unravels about them. When we play with fire we’re going to get burned. When we participate in dysfunctional behaviors, consequences are most certainly headed our way. Everyone of us at the Purity Project faced this immutable law with our porn and sexual addictions, “We reaped what we sowed.” What we lost surprised us and we wouldn’t wish it on anyone. We may think that what we’re doing isn’t hurting anyone–but we’re only fooling ourselves. The loses go well beyond ourselves and there is a lot more at stake than most realize.
When porn takes over our lives, all kinds of negative traits and behaviors start making their way into our personalities. Because of our involvement, we’re may be too close to realize that we’re in a down hill slide. To our way of thinking, we are just as we’ve always been. But sadly, we are not. While we drink in images, the way an alcoholic drinks liquor, and act out in inappropriate sexual ways, we’re also in the process of creating a well-developed dysfunctional internal support system that warps our good judgment, behaviors and sense of direction. This most often happens without our notice and with terrible consequences.
We create these dysfunctional systems out of fear–as a protective mechanism if you will. We have a valid worry of the big time consequences that will come our way should others find out what we’ve been doing. We know that if our loved ones, the people we work for, neighbors, friends, church members and others discover our dirty little secret, that things will never be the same. We have a lot to lose. It is very possible that we could lose our families, marriages, jobs, and the respect of others.
The Dysfunction of Our Secret Double Life
The biggest dysfunctional system we create when we use porn is a double life. This is done out of necessity. As stated earlier, we know that there can be huge negative downsides if others discover our sexual compulsions–so we create a secret side to our personalities and activities. We know that we mustn’t be discovered. We develop furtive habits and we are always looking over our shoulder lest our secret find its way out.
The dysfunction of paranoia
Over time, our habit of maintaining secrecy causes us to cultivate a sense of paranoia to keep us from being discovered. We hide our DVD’s hoping our kids won’t discover them. We hide things on our computers and buy software to us help cover our tracks. We develop a habit of “watching over our shoulder”–worried that people might come in the room and see what we’ve been looking at. This double life is based on fear–fear of discovery, fear that others won’t like or respect us if they come to know who we are on the inside. The longer we participate in these secret lives, the more that fear develops in us. The more fearful we become, the more protective and paranoid we become. Let’s face it, paranoid people are not healthy people and they are no fun to be around. As we become more paranoid, we begin to become more suspicious of those around us–including our loved ones. We develop an over suspicion and distrust towards others.
The dysfunction of arrogance
Some people don’t develop fear, they develop arrogance. They seem to believe that no one will ever know about their activities and that they are too and careful smart to ever be caught. An arrogant person is difficult to live with as well. These kind of people immediately offend others by sending the vibe that they think they are smarter than those about them. Others sense this misplaced perception; and , it causes them to start examining us to see if we are who we say we are. Every day, people with sexually compulsive problems are discovered. Receipts are found, e-mails are discovered, pictures suddenly pop-up, IT departments check the logs of websites visited–all manner of things happen–and usually at the worst possible time. None of us are so smart that we could never be caught. As our sexual acting out becomes more extreme, and it will over time, we may even attract the attention of the authorities. It happens every day.
Safe People for the Down in Flames Loser
For the Down in Flames Loser, the safe people they turn to are people like themselves and those that run the websites, the strip clubs, the webcams and so on. They encourage our bad habits by telling us we are normal promising us secrecy such as the way our credit cards are billed, mailing goods to us in plain wrappers, taking us to private rooms and so on. They play to our sense of paranoia. They understand how the game is played. These kinds of friends don’t stop the consequences that are coming our way–but they can delay them for a period of time.
We are as sick as the secret double life that we lead; but thankfully, there is a way out.
The Second Kind of Loser–The wise loser.
The second kind of loser is the one we call the wise loser. This person knows that at some time they must cut their losses to solve their problems. This person wants to find solutionis before things get worse. They sense that that things in their lives aren’t working as they should or could. Perhaps they have come to realize that they are wasting a part of their life that is precious. For whatever reason, the wise loser knows that they must do something before they crash and burn. The important thing is this, The wise loser knows that for life to be better you have to leave somethings behind.
The person who wants to lose a habit is already on the road to losing it; but, wanting to lose a habit and losing it are two different things. If you want to find your way out of a seriously bad problem–and porn is one of those problems–you are going to need the right kind of help. You need to find a new type of safe person.
Safe People for the Wise Loser
The safe person for the wise loser can be hard to find–at least in the beginning. These people don’t promise anything except to walk with you as you find your way back to health. Safe people like these may give you advice that is uncomfortable at first and they may not tell us what we want to hear. They are trustworthy and confidential but they begin to place expectations on us to make some hard choices. They accept us as we are; but they don’t expect us to stay that way. They don’t ask you to do anything that they themselves have not done. They know what it takes to be free and they are willing to walk with you on the same path that worked for them.
Our screwed up thinking may tell us that the really safe person isn’t safe.
Remember, we’ve developed our secrecy skills. We find it hard to trust others. We have a paranoia that may ring an alarm and tell us that we’re not safe. But we are. A really safe person cares less for your secrecy than your healing. They want you to be healed but they want you to do the work. They won’t tell your secret, but they may expect you to start moving you to talk with the right people about your problems. They know that in order to heal, you must stop compartmentalizing your life and start bringing your problems to the light of day so that you may see them for what they are.
The Purity Project is a group of safe people. We don’t have any other agenda than to help you get the healing you need. We don’t take money and we don’t have any groups to join or pledges to sign–though we may well steer you to groups with well stated goals and directions.
Isn’t it time to dismantle the dysfunction?
It’s time to dismantle the dysfunctional systems that keep us trapped and replace it with healthy ones. It’s time to find new safe friends. Though it may seem counter intuitive, to gain a healthy life we must be willing to become a lose the old life.
