The Purity Project of OKC

You know how it is.  We’re supposed to do all kinds of things with our lives.  We’re supposed to keep our cholesterol in check, weigh a proper weight, exercise daily, have a heart rate that’s appropriate–all kinds of things.  We make all kinds of resolutions that fall apart.  There is a difference in doing something because we want to do it doing it to meet some standard that others say is appropriate.  Porn and sexual compulsions are like that.  If you really aren’t sick of them–enough to want to do something about it–you might as well admit that you’re not ready to quit yet.  Like smoking, you may know all the arguments about why you should quit; but, if you don’t do it for the right reasons, I can guarentee you that you won’t be able to stay stopped.  The porn and sexual dysfunction will creep back into your life.

 How sick of porn are you really?  I encourage you to make a list of the things that you think is happening to your life because of your sexual acting-out.  Be honest with yourself.  If you don’t think what you are doing is all that bad–you either need to think more deeply about it or admit that you don’t see enough reason to quit.  In the beginning I was like that.  As sick as it sounds, I actually enjoyed using porn and I looked forward to each day.  I liked the fix it gave me–release and the excitement.  It was a super high–but it didn’t last very long.  At that point in my life, I could not see that the disadvantages outweighed the so called “advantages.”  I made some half-hearted attempts to quit out of guilt or shame; but, I could never stay stopped because I wasn’t ready to admit that porn was a problem to me and I was enjoying it too much.  But time has a way of making things change.  Before long, I knew that I was in something that I couldn’t stop.  It became bigger than me.   Even then, there was a part of me that hoped I could continue to use and still be okay.  I tried cutting back the amount of time I spent with it; but of course, that didn’t work at all.  I finally had to bottom out and decide why I wanted this horrible affliction out of my life.

Reasons I wanted to get porn out of my life.

• Guilt and shame.  I felt guilt everytime I acted out and ashamed of myself.  No matter how I tried to rationalize my use, I never could shake the guilt.
• Religious reasons.  I felt I was living the life of a hypocrite–and I was because I claimed to be one thing when I was another.  I am a believe in Jesus Christ and I knew that I wasn’t honoring my Lord.
• The double life.  I knew that I wasn’t the crafted image that others saw. My happy moments when I accomplished something would always be tinged with, “If they knew everything about me–they wouldn’t like me at all.” 
• The sleasze.  Even though I actively sought porn, I saw things that disguisted me–that even I did not want to see.  Even though I was viewing hard-core pornography, I worried about what it was doing to me, what it was doing to those who participated in bringing it to me and the ruin that could happen to the young people who were involved.  I felt part of a corrupt system.
• Secrecy.  I had to hide what I was doing from everyone I knew.  I had to hide my files, hide my tapes and dvds, hide my books and magazines, hide my acting out, double erase my hard-drive.  I had to watch credit card charges, cash withdrawals, receipts and e-mails.  I worried that someone might walk in on me while I was engaged in viewing porn.  The secrecy and paranoia was driving me crazy.
• Lying.  I lied about the websites I was visiting, lied about how I was using my time, lied about any number of feelings I had that led to my porn useage and sexual acting out.
• Out of control mind.  My constant thoughts were about sex and acting out.  Every person I met could serve as some sort of stimulus.  I could not control my compulsive thoughts nor could I have any form of conversation but what my mind did not turn to graphic sexual thinking.
• Anger.  I knew that I shouldn’t be doing what I was doing.  I knew that it was wrong. I blamed my spouse for not being there for me.  I blamed my spouse for “driving me to this perverted habit.”
• Isolation.  I became more of a recluse as I turned to porn to satisfy my needs.  The time I dedicated to it cut into social time.
• Fantasy.  I could not enjoy being in the moment and connecting with my spouse.  My mind always turned to fantasy.  The images that I drank it corrupted every intimate moment I was having.
• Unhappiness with who I was.  The more I participated in porn, the less control I felt I had in my life.  I couldn’t stop what I was doing and I felt like a failure. 
• The disappointment I was causing others.  People don’t look up to those who use porn.  Wifes and husbands don’t respect you more when you use it and they become fearful when you act out.  It doesn’t build trust in a relationship–it tears it down.
• Sleep deprivation.  I literally could not sleep unless I acted out and it would take me hours to find the right images and videos to achieve the high I was seeking.  Does four to six hours at a time seem excessive?

No doubt you have other reasons that you could add to the list.  In the end, all of these reasons combined to bring emotional ruin into my life.  My peace was replaced anger, loss and negativity. 

It took a long time for me to become sick of porn–sick enough to do something about it.  I hope you’ll do something sooner than I did.  Each one of the things I mention above is out of my life now.  Life is great and I’m happy for the first time in a long time.  It didn’t happen over night; but, it didn’t take that long for things to fall into place.  We here at the Purity Project want to help you learn how to be free of your compulsive behavior.  We’ll point you to Jesus and show you in concrete easy-to-understand ways how to use the power of God to find the happiness you were meant to have. 

If you are sick of porn, just know that you don’t have to stay sick.  I hope you’ll do as many of us have and take those first steps to wholeness.  Life can feel great once more.