Can We Really Change?
At some point in our lives, we need to ask ourselves a very important question: “Must I accept that I am whatever I am or is it possible for me to change?” Another way of asking this question is: “Can we really change who we are?”
I find that we don’t like to be pinned down with this question. The convenient answer is to say, “That depends.” Most of us accept the common opinion that there are some things in our lives that can be changed and others that cannot. But I see this answer as a convenient cop out that robs us of our ability to make choices for positive transformation. If we believe that change isn’t possible, we won’t try. If we believe that we can change, we will feel compelled to take action. As long as we allow ourselves to be confused about what can and cannot be changed in our lives, we’ll live dead-ended, stalemated lives where we wonder if the latest challenges we face is something that we should even invest our energies to change or not. Here is what we in the Purity Project believe: With God’s help, there is nothing in your life that cannot be changed; but, some things can be changed faster than others.
Our default answer is no
Most of us don’t believe that we are resistant to change. To admit otherwise would be like saying we have a closed mind. But our lives betray us. In my own life, I have always said that I believed that anyone could change for the better; but, I held on to very damaging beliefs, attitudes, values, emotions and ways of living that said otherwise. For 15 years I lived a life addicted to pornography–never doing anything to significantly change the situation. That is what denial is all about–convincing ourselves that we what we are doing in no way contradicts what we believe. We say no to change when we live in denial or live in ambivalence about whether it is possible to change or not. It is much easier to say no to change than for us to take on the responsibility of changing our lives.
Can sexual compulsions and addictions be changed?
Can we quit an addiction? Can we change sexual orientation? Can we rid ourselves of our sexual compulsion? Are we able to stop acting out? These are good questions to ask. The answer is very simple–it depends on who you ask. There are many respected professionals who vigorously support either view. But consider this, everyday we do things that scientists of ages past said was impossible. We fly, drive at incredible speeds, cure once incurable diseases, etc. Doesn’t it make sense to believe that we can change even if “so called” experts say otherwise? The truth is, people change everyday. People who were lifelong alcoholics stop drinking. Sexual addicts, find a way to turn their lives around. People are able to make humongous changes when they are properly motivated to do so. Some do it because they have no choice and others decide to change because it is in their best interest. Whatever the reason or motivation, people can and do change some pretty incredible things about their lives. Every person at the Purity Project has a story of positive change they could tell you. Most of us were caught in situations from which we thought there was no escape. One person I know had even planned his suicide! But all of us did change and you can too; and, we are here to help you!
What does it take to change?
While change is different for each of us, there are some common denominators that we can point to. The first indicators on the list below are accurate indicators of whether or not you’ll be successful at making your changes and whether or not people, who can help you, should invest their time and energy in you.
- There must be a desire to change
- There must be willingness to stop making excuses
- There must be willingness to take immediate action
If you are willing to do these three things, you can make a change in anything in your life–at least temporarily. These first three things are based upon human will power. We should never underestimate human will power. But there is a way of supercharging our wills by adding the power of God to our lives. We do this in three very incredible steps:
- Realizing that our lives are not working and that we are powerless to change them in a meaningful way,
- Realizing that the only way I can change is for God to change me,
- Make a decision to give everything about my life to God.
As mentioned, these three things will supercharge your ability to make the changes you need. This is because decisions like these intentionally align ourselves with powerful spiritual forces. Some people have a hard time believing that this could be true; but, all of us here at the Purity Project can testify that this is true. We would ask you, “What have you got to lose? ” For more information read, In the Beginning There Are Three Steps.
How to stay permanently changed
If you wish to remain permanently changed, you must pay attention to the next three items.
- You must be willing to change how you see yourself.
- You must be willing to never go back or return to your former life.
- You must be willing to continue doing the things that lead to freedom–even when you have turned your life in a new direction.
Each of these three things are action oriented. You won’t be able to change your thinking unless you are actually doing something that demonstrates that you are different. This means that you must replace the negative thing you once did with something that is positive. You must create new boundaries that are based upon subtracting the old and adding the new.
The law of addition and subtraction
If you wish to change, you must be willing to subtract out the stuff that isn’t working and add new things to your life that make a positive difference. Nature abhors a vacuum. It will not allow us to subtract something out of our life without replacement. This is where so many people fail. They stop doing something for a short period of time without replacing it with something else. For instance, if you decide to stop visiting pornographic websites, you will need to replace your old habit with something new–such as reading recovery literature, going to a support group or an activity such as a hobby or work–or you’ll return to your old habit and become worse than ever.
How to be transformed
Stopping a compulsive behavior or addiction is difficult enough; but, with behavior modification techniques, it can be done. Transformation is another thing altogether. Transformation means that we are in the process of changing each of our character defects from the inside out.
In my own life, I remember thinking that my life would be so much better if I weren’t addicted to pornography and acting out. I just knew that if I could find a way of stopping what I was doing (and staying stopped) that my life would fall into place. So, I sought help and began doing the work necessary to break the cycle of addiction. Before long, I was no longer using pornography; and, after a little longer time, I found that my desire for pornography was much less than it had ever been before. But I still had a problem. My problem was that I had stopped doing a behavior without addressing or changing the underlying problems and conditions that led me to my compulsions in the first place. Had I stopped at this point, the probabilities are high that I would have returned to my former addictive behaviors or I would have replaced my addiction for pornography with some other equally vicious addiction.
Transformation means that we must be willing to address the underlying issues and conditions that led us to act out in the first place. This does not have to be a long and involved psychological process. It can be as simple as beginning to notice where our lives aren’t working and starting the change process all over again.
Never go back!
As we mentioned earlier, change involves addition and subtraction. Once we decide to subtract something from our lives, we never go back. We never allow ourselves to say, “I can handle this now.” We never go back and “test the waters” to see how strong we are. We just walk away.
Some times, the best thing you can do is walk away and never look back. Earlier in my recovery process I operated a website that I came to believe was not healthy for my growth and transformation. Though it was a fairly popular website, I came to believe that it didn’t add anything positive to my life and that it represented old ways of thinking that were holding me back. Once I had clarity on this, I walked away and never visited it again. I let the domain lapse and the site fell into oblivion.
If you are in a relationship that is inappropriate for you, I believe the best thing is to walk away. Now that I’ve been set free from my sexual compulsions, I have not intentions of ever revisiting my old habits ever again.
Conclusion
We can change for the better. Don’t let anyone tell you that you cannot. Don’t believe anyone when they say they cannot. We may not want to change or make the effort to change; but, with God’s help, we can not only change–we can be transformed.
